The Day They Scrambled My Brains At The Funny Factory/Chapter 11
A Novel By Max Rabinowitz
Ace, China and JoAnne were an inseparable trio during all the years I spent at the hospital, yet they were as unlike as any three people could be.

The leader of the trio, if there was a leader, was Ace. I never heard her called by any other name and even if she had one I don't think that anyone would have dared use it. Ace was rougher than any four guys her size.

Ace was about six-foot-two and weighted at least one-ninety. She had very black, very short hair that was always combed into a Presley-like pompadour. Her hands were as large as a longshoreman's and each had about a gallon of knuckles. She had extremely small feet for her size and this was made even more noticeable by the fact that she never wore anything but tennis sneakers.

Her standard outfit consisted of blue jeans, tennis sneakers, dark blue shirt, and a short, black leather jacket with all the stars and frills removed. On the back of the jacket was the word Ace, which she had either painted on or else she had stolen the jacket from somebody named Ace and adopted the handle for her own. She was one of the blackest persons I had ever met and her lips were thickly spread over the lower portion of her face, though they were surmounted by a small, thin blade of a nose and two tiny black eyes that glinted with malice at all times. Her ears were small too, and her most distinguishing feature was at the lower corner of her right ear - a huge, welted scar that ran across her right cheek and nose, then veered sharply upwards until it disappeared into her hairline. It was a formidable scar indeed, and the story was that she had gotten it in a fight with another girl over some third chick. Rumor had it that her opponent was killed, and, knowing Ace, I could easily believe that.

Ace was one hundred-percent lesbian and she didn't care who knew it. Personally, I didn't care what she was because I was scared of her from the first. I have a healthy respect for crazy broads that are two sizes bigger than me and who carry a straight razor all the time.

China was a different thing entirely. She, too, was a tall girl, about six foot, but she wasn't as massive as Ace. China also had a set of clothes that she wore like a uniform, consisting of the shortest, tightest skirt she could find and a tight sweater that made her small breasts stand out firmly. She capped it off with a pair of shoes that were smaller than her feet. Even after everyone told her they were too small she wouldn't change. Her hair was long and soft and bright gold and hung below her shoulders in waves that glinted in the slightest light. Her eyes were a deep blue-violet and very large and, even though she was a big girl, everything about her seemed delicate. Her skin was clear, like smooth china, and it was from this that she got her nickname. Her real name was Gabrielle and I preferred that to China, but no one used it because she disliked it. China was the prettiest girl in the hospital and if it wasn't for one thing I would've tried to make her mine. However, that one thing was insurmountable - she was Ace's girl.

JoAnne was the third in the inseparable trio. At fourteen she was a fully mature woman. She stood no higher than five-foot-two. Her skin was a creamy light brown and she had light blue eyes that stood out in stark contrast to her skin tone. Her head was covered with piles of long black hair that fell in gentle curls to her waist. It was only rarely that she wore the same clothing. Mostly she wore stylish dresses and shoes that matched her outfit. JoAnne had two distinguishing features - a pair of breasts that looked like footballs. They were so large they seemed out of place on a girl of her size. Once I asked her how big they were, and she told me 38D. For a girl of her size, any size, that was really saying something. Those breasts were a powerful attraction. JoAnne, unlike Ace and China, wasn't a full-time lesbian. I couldn't understand why she hung out with them until much later when I started to hang out with them myself. At first I stuck with the trio because JoAnne was my girl, then after that because they were so much fun.

A year younger than me, JoAnne already looked five years older. She wasn't one of the crazy ones, but had been placed in the hospital by the courts because she was constantly being arrested for prostitution. I first saw her in the Occupation Therapy room and I had many a lustful thought about the girl, but I kept them to myself because I learned early to move cautiously with the females. Some of them were mean or crazy, or a combination of both, and it wasn't always apparent. I remember once kissing a girl who had an epileptic seizure right in the middle of the kiss. So before messing with any of them, I found out more about them first.

For a few weeks I watched JoAnne very carefully and I didn't see any strange things. I figured it would be safe to talk to her. I approached her in my usual nonchalant manner, a crab-like sliding along the wall. The O.T. room was a real battleground and I wasn't about to get caught unawares just to talk to a girl.

JoAnne saw me sliding toward her and laughed. In a hurry I slid back to my table. JoAnne stopped laughing then and looked at me in a thoughtful manner, but I couldn't get up the nerve to try to talk to her again. I didn't think that I would ever try to talk to her again, but I was young and not too wise in the ways of womankind. In terms of male/female relationships, JoAnne was light-years ahead.

There was another girl in our Occupational Therapy class who I had had my eye on. She was a pretty little thing named Ada, a fiery, red-headed, Puerto Rican girl with the temper to match her hair and heritage. I had talked with her many times and had just about decided to ask her to be my girl.

My chance came soon after when the entire Occupational Therapy class taken out to a spot in the back of the hospital called The Picnic Grounds. In reality it was no more than a clearing in the woods that surrounded the place. It was here that we went for monthly picnics, which mostly consisted of walking around and talking to one another without too much restriction. We were usually given cake and a disgusting beverage they had the nerve to call lemonade. Sometimes there'd be frankfurters served too, but only the real flakos ate them.

On this particular day I had made up my mind to ask Ada to be my girl. I figured it was about time and also that I could get the other guys off my back by doing so. If a guy didn't have a girl he was considered a dummy or a jerk, and yours truly wasn't going to have that label stuck on him.

The picnic grounds and fighting was a definite no-no because we all knew that one fight would be enough to make us lose our picnic privileges. Those picnics weren't much, but they were all we had and no one wanted to blow it.

I spotted Ada standing by the table where the cake was being served. She looked as good as ever. I was halfway to the cake table when I saw JoAnne coming from the outer edge of the picnic grounds. She looked at me for a long moment an then ran over to Ada. In less than a second she had jumped on her and started punching away with both fists.

JoAnne was no slouch when it came to fighting, but Ada was a wildcat and also a lot madder. She took the brunt of JoAnne's attack without striking back until it dawned on her that she was going to lose at least to picnics anyway. Then she sailed into JoAnne like an enraged tigress.

There was yelling, screaming, hair-pulling, scratching, and rolling-on-the-ground, much to the delight of everyone. I enjoyed it myself, mainly because they were fighting over me. What a boost to the ole masculine ego!

None of the attendants tried to break it up. They knew through experience that they could touch off a wide-scale brawl by doing so and must have decided it would be safer to let the two girls fight themselves out.

JoAnne ripped off Ada's skirt and the guys really started to whoop it up. Through a tear in Ada's panties everyone could see that she was definitely a woman. A thick tangle of black hair covered the area between her legs and I was surprised because her hair was red on top. Things heated up. JoAnne reached between Ada's legs and grabbed the hair on her crotch. Ada howled, but she managed to twist away from JoAnne's grasping hand.

Ada swiveled around and jumped on JoAnne's back. She straddled JoAnne and pulled at her dress. A moment latter JoAnne's dress came apart, as if it was made of paper, and hung in strands around her.

Both girls jumped apart and stood there panting. Sweat rolled off them as Ada cursed JoAnne fiercely, in rapid-fire Spanish. I don't know what she said, but there was something about JoAnne's mother in there.

The sight of those two girls, nearly naked and dirty, aroused me with some really groovy thoughts. I don't know which one looked better, but JoAnne had a slight edge because of those massive breasts heaving within their halter.

There is always a spoil-sport in any crowd and in this case her name was Parson. She was a supervisory nurse for one of the adult female buildings. She was the most sexless women I have ever seen. Except for her long hair and skirt she could've been mistaken for a man. She had absolutely no breasts, but she had hair on her legs and arms, and even a thin mustache. What a beast!

As the two girls stood there waiting to get their breaths and preparing for the next round, Parson jumped between them. Maybe they were looking for an excuse to stop fighting, because neither one of them put up an argument.

Damnit, I didn't want to see the fight stop! Things were just getting good, and how often does one get to see two lovely girls battling each other in a semi-nude condition?

The fight had to go on. I picked the best way to keep the battle raging and without further ado I punched Parson right in her jaw.

I guess that I should've known better, especially since the girls were always beating on me anyway, because she turned around and smacked me in the face with all of her might. I spun around in a complete circle and fell to the ground.

Terry "The Pirate" Browning, one of my ex-girlfriends and a cute little brunette, was the first to come to my aid. She kicked Parson in the shins and got a choke-hold on her wrinkled neck. They fell into a dusty heap and rolled around. That was enough to break the paralysis affecting everyone else and I rolled over just in time to see one of the most spectacular fights that ever occurred in that hospital. There were almost 200 raving lunatics bashing anyone within range.

The situation was unbelievable. No one cared who they hit, as long as they managed to hit someone. The noise was something out of an old horror film. There were grunts, groans, moans, eerie screams, and, ever so often, a sound like a steam whistle. Then I realized that it was a steam whistle! The sons-of-bitches were blowing the emergency whistle at the powerhouse.

I scrambled to my feet and looked around quickly. At the far edge of the fray I spotted Ada, still almost nude, and I headed toward her. I reached her by punching my way through the columns of battling jerks and threw my right arm around her waist. At first she didn't realize who I was and she hit me alongside of my neck, but when recognition set in she hastily followed me across the picnic field and behind a small clump of bushes.

There wasn't much time for preliminaries and even if there had been I don't think either of us would have wasted time with them. A few quick grabs here and there, a kiss or two, and it was time for things to happen. I was just climbing into Spanish Gold when Ace and China entered the picture.

I was plucked off of my beautiful señorita as if I were a bug. I pulled up my pants and furiously demanded an explanation.

JoAnne came over and without a word the three started kicking and punching the half-dressed Ada.

It was not time to play any favorites. Ace and China and JoAnne were quite capable of killing Ada and it was up to me to bail her out even if they killed me instead!

I kicked Ace dead in her big, muscular ass, which was as solid as a board. When she swung around to face me I punched her in the throat and she went down. I then grabbed China and pulled her off Ada, who sprang up and vanished into the melee on the picnic grounds. I had been so intent upon subduing Ace and China before they ruined me that I had forgotten entirely about JoAnne. She certainly hadn't forgotten about me.

I turned and saw that sweet girl holding what seemed to be a small tree in her tiny fist. It was really nothing more than a branch, but at that moment it loomed like a giant log. I looked at JoAnne stupidly as she raised the branch and like a hypnotized bird I just watched as the she smashed it down on my left shoulder. Pain broke through the fog and I leaped at her before she could hit me again. Meanwhile Ace and China had recovered from my initial attack and jumped on me from behind.

In short order I knew what the hat in a Mexican Hat Dance felt like. I assumed my favorite karate position, with my arms around my head tightly, my knees up toward my chest, curled into the tightest ball I could followed by a very loud scream and the hope that someone who really did know karate would hear me and come to my aid.

Luck was with me and reinforcements arrived from various parts of the hospital. The attendants poured in and slugged away indiscriminately. After the three broads ran off I got to my feet slowly just in time to get decked by a bang on the side of my head. On the ground again I resumed my karate position, but this time I refused to come out of it until I heard an attendant's voice ordering me to my feet.

The upshot of the whole thing was that picnics were cancelled for the rest of the summer. I had to spend sixty days in a seclusion room for my part in the melee. Ada would never speak to me again. Mrs. Parson quit her job and went to work in a private sanitarium somewhere in Ohio. JoAnne, Ace and China were given short seclusion room stays.

When I did emerge from the seclusion room I found out that JoAnne was my brand-new girl friend. I was informed by a note that had been smuggled in from the girls' ward: "Max, You are now going with JoAnne. You will be her boy friend until she decides that she doesn't want you anymore, and then you will break up without fighting. She will talk to you at the movies on Saturday." Ace & China, L.A.M.F.

Summer was almost gone and the fall movie schedule was in effect. On Saturday I went to the silly movie and met with JoAnne. Ace and China watched from the sidelines. They probably weren't too sure what my decision was going to be because China had her right hand hidden underneath her left armpit, probably concealing one of Ace's favorite weapons. I nodded to the two of them and walked over to JoAnne with a big smile on my face. . . . Gimme a girl instead of a cut throat every time!